So, I kinda’ lost myself. I guess.

I never tried drugs in school. I, um. I was a good student and I didn’t really have a lot of friends ‘cause I moved around so much. I, I guess I drank a lot but I didn’t, I didn’t— I never even tried marijuana. Like I never tried anything like that. And then, when I was 27, I was injured at work and they put me on painkillers. So, I kinda’ lost myself. I guess. Almost immediately. I started taking more than prescribed and then I started “doctor shopping” and people at work said that if I snorted it, it would work better, last longer and then it was just a short jump to shootin’ it.

I just started making appointments with other doctors or going to the ER and going, “you know, I have a lot of pain”

At first I didn’t notice­—I didn’t know that I was becoming addicted. I didn’t even realize that you could even be addicted to medicine from a doctor and, so, when my medicine just stopped working and I felt the pain more, I would go back to my doctor and my doctor would, um, just kind of slightly alter my prescription from, like, Vicodin to Percocet or something like that, you know, and uh, when that stopped working I just started making appointments with other doctors or going to the ER and going, “you know, I have a lot of pain”, you know, whatever…

I don’t guess I realized when…when it completely consumed me, but it got to the point where I had actually been blacklisted from every hospital within a hundred mile radius ‘cause I would drive quite a bit. When I started actually buying pills on the street, that’s when it consumed me the most, you know, I would revolve everything around my drug dealers. So, I would call in late to work, or I would arrange my drug dealer around going to the grocery store or whatever.

It was a short jump from cooking pain pills down to shooting meth, so um, when I started shooting meth it was like I knew I was in trouble but I didn’t know how to stop.

I stole all the money from our house to get high and our electricity was shut off, then people I got high with, um, told on me for having the kids in the house without the electric and stuff like that. And then my ex-husband came down and he hadn’t seen the kids in, I don’t know, like, seven years but he found out I was high and so he, um, got an attorney to have the kids removed from my care and…I was actually out of the house trying to find dope when the Sheriff’s Department came to take them so I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

When he told me that the Sheriff’s Department came and took them and granted my ex-husband to take them to New York, I was so mad at my husband for, for not stopping them. So, I was really high, so I picked up a toy box and threw it at his face, like one of them big ones, you know, and he …he just put my daughter in a stroller and walked away. My husband had me served with a restraining order two days later and I didn’t have anywhere to go and I found out, the day after my kids were taken that I had three felony warrants that had been put out for my arrest. So, within that week I had lost my home and my husband and my kids and I had warrants out for my arrest—it was a lot and so, I tried to kill myself ‘cause I just didn’t think I could come back up from there. But, I failed, I wasn’t good at it and so, after a little while on the street, like, I think, a week or so, two weeks maybe…I had this phone that I stole from this drug dealer friend and I hooked up to Wi-Fi and I messaged a pastor from a church that I used to go to before I got high. And he, he ended up coming to get me — he and another guy from our church, from my old church, and they took me…he took me to eat and, like, they put me in a hotel room, but not like a local motel where, you know, you have to worry about a lot of drug activity. It was actually a Christian-owned hotel and so, my pastor ended up calling the Prosecuting Attorney and saying, “Does it matter what program she’s in?” and he said, “No” and my pastor said, “Can it be faith-based?” and he was like “ Yes.” So, my pastor got me into a faith-based, twelve-step program and I did twelve weeks.

…it wasn’t so much the physical withdrawal, as much as it was emotional and mental.

When I quit meth, it wasn’t so much the physical withdrawal, as much as it was emotional and mental. In the middle of the night when your mind is going to a thousand different dark places and your skin is crawling, it’s…it was hard. It was hard to not to pick up the phone and call people who knew, who understood, but those were the same people who were probably going to be trying to get me drugs, you know, so… it was hard.

The process of being where I am was, I think, excruciating is the best word.

The process of being where I am was, I think, excruciating is the best word. Nobody, like, nobody believed that I was clean that I was staying clean, you know, and that I was dedicated, it took a long time.

Today, I am actually 42 months clean.

Today, I am actually 42 months clean. It’s, that’s—I, I just happened across that this morning but…I don’t…I would consider myself just fully recovered. It doesn’t cross my mind anymore, you know, like I…back when—in the beginning when it would cross my mind, I would do different things to try and retrain the way I think about drugs as a whole and I really think that it worked. Now, whenever I think about drugs I think about sadness and pain, you know. And then, I have seen the after effects of drugs in my kids and it’s just heartbreaking to know that my…my selfishness has caused them so much pain and I just can’t imagine getting high to numb that pain and making them feel more, you know so it just doesn’t even cross my mind anymore.

Al turned her life around

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